bad day for a pig.

Monday, Ashley and I showed Woodland Hills who we represented..

We both were approached by the director of the ICU to review the dress code policy, complete with red ink underlining "no logos". 

Throughout the day, Ashley had asked me several times if I was sure I was off today.. I continued to remind her that I was sure I worked Thursday, next.  Then I spent time thinking about what I would do with my day off. I started with staying up late, midnight to be exact.  I stayed up watching Christmas movies and researching Tahoe ski resorts..

This morning my alarm was set to wake me up at 7am. However, I was woken up at about 650 by a phone call from Ashley..

I was supposed to work today.

First I ran laps around the apartment, then when I was thinking appropriately, I got ready and left.  I got to work by 715. How's that!!

Here's where things get sad,  I walked into a mess.  One of my patients had coded at about 6am and had just been transferred to the ICU.  He was very sick and they were having a hard time saving him.  The wife walked in while I was getting report, she looked pale and scared.  I recognized her.  Remember when I had a bad day last week, in the DOU? Well, he was one of my patients that day.  He was a little sick, but still able to talk and eat.  I also got to know his wife and daughter.. now here we were meeting again, but in much worse circumstances.  

The doctor and I had a meeting with the family to discuss the patient's best interest. The family decided it was best to make him comfortable, which means pulling off all support; drugs, ventilator, compressions, etc.  My responsibility changed from keeping him alive to keeping him comfortable as he passed.  

It's strange, but this part of my job can be just as rewarding as the dramatics of bringing someone back to life.   There can be dignity in deciding to withdraw care, just to let someone pass peacefully. Sometimes that's the best choice.   

This family broke my heart.  They were criers. The noise the daughter let out when she saw my patient, her father, immediately brought tears to my eyes.  Then the 13 year old grandson saying, "grandpa if you hear me, please wake up" broke all of us in the room. 

As time went by the family got better.  They supported each other and a sense of peace passed over all of them as he took his last breath. Once the busyness of the morning calmed down, I had an afternoon free of patients to allow my head to clear.  I did busy work, cleaning, restocking shelves, and helping people with menial tasks. 

My cousin Rachel called me this afternoon to let me know that one of my childhood friends passed yesterday.  I haven't spoken to her in years, but just thinking about it, how sudden and unexpected her death was, the daughter she left behind, and her family this holiday season.. I spoke with one of my other old friends today about Sarah and how we've all lost touch over the years.  It's just so sad. 

Our coworkers today were kind to me and helpful while I had a few teary breakdowns.  They all tried to keep me smiling and provided so much support. I really appreciate them, and Ashley.  She bought me dinner and was so sweet to me while I dealt with all of the emotions from the day.

Tonight I took Ashley to the airport.. more reason to be sad.  We won't see each other for 2 weeks now, then for some reason our schedule in the last month I'm here is awful.  We are only off 2 days together in a 3 week period.  Every day we are opposite, either she is working or I am, which lessens our opportunities for adventure together as we close out on Southern California. 

Are you depressed yet? Here, listen to these.  These melancholy Christmas songs are some of my favorites. 

Well, I'm sitting here crying again.  California has been amazing, but it's times like these I was afraid of, making me realize how far away I am.  I miss all of you terribly, especially as we approach Christmas.  Next week can't come soon enough.

Love you,

Megan